EXPERT-LED TIPS FOR MAKING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP HABITS STICK AFTER THE NOVELTY WEARS OFF

BY LAILA ELISE

Every New Year, relationships get swept up in the same optimism as gym memberships and Dry January. This year we’ll communicate better. This year we’ll plan weekly date nights. This year we won’t have the same fight again. And for a few weeks, these earnest oaths often stick.

Then schedules tighten. Stress creeps in. Someone forgets. The habit fades not because the intention wasn’t sincere, but because novelty was doing most of the work. And, according to behavioral science, that outcome is predictable.

Dr. Wendy Wood, one of the world’s leading researchers on habit formation, has shown that motivation plays a surprisingly small role in long term behavior. In her research, habits stick when they’re tied to context and routine, not when they rely on ongoing enthusiasm.

That matters in relationships because emotional labor already competes with work stress, family obligations, and decision fatigue. When a habit depends on remembering, planning, or being in the mood, it’s unlikely to survive past the first stressful week. In other words: if your relationship habit requires willpower, it’s already on borrowed time.

The Weekly Check-In That Actually Survives February

Many couples try to implement weekly relationship check-ins and abandon them within a month. The mistake isn’t the questions it’s the structure.

Dr. Wood’s research on habit stacking suggests that new behaviors are far more likely to stick when attached to an existing, automatic routine. Instead of scheduling a separate “relationship meeting,” couples who succeed anchor the check-in to something that already happens: Sunday morning coffee, the dog walk, or the weekly grocery run. The routine becomes the cue – no extra motivation required.

Why Consistency Beats Intensity in Connection

Couples often aim for big emotional moments long talks, deep dives, grand gestures – thinking intensity creates closeness. But decades of relationship research suggest otherwise.

Dr. John Gottman found that long term relationship stability is built on small, frequent bids for connection, not dramatic breakthroughs. A predictable six-second kiss. A daily check-in question. A reliable goodnight ritual.

These behaviors work because they reduce uncertainty. They don’t ask, “Do you feel like showing up today?” They assume presence is the default.

Similarly, Dr. Sue Johnson emphasizes that emotional safety is created through consistency. Repeated signals of availability – especially during ordinary moments – build trust faster than occasional deep conversations.

Three Expert-Backed Rules for Habits That Last

1. Lower the bar. Dr. Wood’s research shows habits must be easy enough to survive bad days. If it feels impressive, it’s probably unsustainable.

2. Eliminate decision-making. Fixed time, fixed place, fixed format. The fewer choices involved, the more likely the habit becomes automatic.

3. Measure showing up, not results. Dr. Gottman’s work highlights that consistency – not emotional perfection predicts relationship health. Presence is success.

The Real Shift

The couples who thrive don’t rely on New Year motivation. They design habits that survive boredom, resentment, and busy weeks. They assume life will interfere, and they plan for it. Because in relationships, the habits that change everything aren’t the exciting ones. They’re the ones you keep doing long after the novelty wears off.