SEPARATING THE TRUTH FROM THE FALLACIES OF THE DATING BUZZWORD

BY LAILA ELISE

These days, it seems like everyone is tossing around the term “red flags” in the dating scene, but what does it mean exactly? In social media culture, the phrase has taken on a life of its own. Users, often in jest, use the term to label even the most innocuous of behaviors, from disliking a particular food to not being a Beyoncé fan. But behind the trendy hashtag, red ¬flags can be serious, referring to an indicator of potential issues or problems, warning signs far more dubious than holding the avocado. Red ¬flags can denote characteristics in a partner that could be problematic or unhealthy in a potential relationship (narcissistic tendencies, poor communication, et al.) Below, experts weigh in on how to look past the meme buzz and determine the difference between harmless and genuine red flags.
Be cognizant of the root of the behavior. Kaytee Gillis, LCSWBACS, author of Breaking the Cycle, said that in order to obtain a more comprehensive understanding of human behavior and relationship patterns, it is essential to revisit our early experiences, where we initially acquired these behavioral tendencies. For example, if someone is inherently suspicious, we tend to ¬flag them as having “trust issues,” while the proclivity could be rooted in challenges with intimacy that stemmed in childhood. Remember you are not responsible for someone else’s growth journey, but by identifying the cause of the behavior, it gives both parties an opportunity for healthy communication and development.
Communicate your concerns as early as possible. Even if you’re able to determine the cause of a problematic behavior, that doesn’t mean you have an ethical responsibility to tolerate or justify it, or to stay in a relationship that isn’t meeting your needs. Abigail Brenner, M.D., author of In Flux, said that addressing concerns early on and seeking open communication can help prevent your relationship from eroding and can foster a stronger connection over the long term. Develop the habit of posing challenging questions early on, before patterns or attachments have formed.
Don’t forget to look inward as well. While certain red flags may seem obvious from the outside (and while we may think we have a solid intellectual grasp on them), it shouldn’t be surprising that something that at first appeared trivial can gain more significance as insights unfold throughout the course of a relationship. Looking back, individuals often find themselves puzzled by their own behaviors and expectations. Dr. Brenner stated that it’s imperative to also get to know yourself before you move into a deeply committed relationship. Many times, we dive into relationships without having this crucial self-awareness. Knowing our own red ¬flags as well is the first step in learning to manage them in a healthy way. Rolling Stones Rum