Infidelity in the age of social media

by Emily Johnson

I recently read an article by a woman who hasn’t had a fulfilling sexual relationship with her husband of 15 years. They had been about to break up at first, then got pregnant, so they got married, had another child, and now her husband was still drinking all the time with friends, barely ever initiating sex, and performing perfunctorily when summoned.

A lot of the commenters telling her to leave seemed like obvious romantics at first, but they had one major thing in common—they were women who had for the most part experienced the same thing, had left, and were happier. The other commenters were far more practical in their responses, especially the men; those ranged from the hard truth (he’s gay, or he’s cheating, catch him in the act) to somewhat oddly pointing out that asexuality is a thing.

I couldn’t decide on any particular judgment. All I knew (thanks, Internet!) was that there were many like her, and that in her article she hadn’t bothered to come up with any of her own solutions, even theoretically. She hadn’t left him, nor suggested it…so if she was not gearing up to leave her husband by getting some psyching up from the online chorus, why was this woman even writing? Maybe the confession was a temporary solution in itself, or maybe she wanted another suggestion of escape.

My first instinct, therefore, was to offer the way out she seemed to be courting and comment—that she should get a lover, not least because divorce is so obvious…and high risk.

Marriage is also often not what we thought, but of course nothing is. I couldn’t help but think of a man (actually men) in a similar situation, just cheating, doing what he needs to do for himself, and not railing on a blogging community site about it.

So why shouldn’t she?

I further thought about typing in hard-nosed fashion that she should do it openly if possible, or not if not, but someone else had beaten me to the comment. Something about her bugged me, though. She might have written this three years ago and just published it, but suspending disbelief for a moment, it didn’t add up. She’s using her real name, presumably (or a pseudonym that’s attached to her twitter presence).

She’s still married. Weren’t her husband and their friends going to see it?

Writing about our own lives can help focus our thoughts and give them an outlet, so that they’re not circling endlessly around the same tired route in our minds. Research again and again shows the emotional benefits of writing, but what about publishing—what outlet is that?

There is a certain resignation in this form of public display. Like reading self-help nostrums, online confessions might make us feel temporarily better, but maybe it’s not great to feel better when something is wrong and needs to change— like taking a vicodin for a broken arm. Writing can become an outlet for our frustration that also tacitly excuses us from doing anything about it.

It’s all about what we’re communicating. Sometimes we write or confess shameful secrets to friends to have our reactions confirmed, but there’s usually a part of us that holds out hope that the response will be a solution that saves us from having to do the thing that changes everything…burn it down and start over again. Or was she on some level trying to get through to her husband, or to her own anger and dissatisfaction?

I’m not arguing that just because some people are going to behave badly, we should too. It’s more about what fairytale narrative we’re holding onto if we cannot acknowledge that cheating happens, is common, and as long as sexual incompatibility exists, it is natural to think about it. Maybe she was writing to say, “Hey, this exists!” and have others reassure her that there’s a global community of people it’s happened to, too. Seeing what is is the first step to changing it (self-help nostrum unavoidable). Accepting it is the second.

They say cheating is a symptom of other things. So maybe the cheaters among us are being honest, with themselves if not their partners. Doing one thing and saying something else is hypocrisy, but it is also a fact of human nature, one of laziness and self-preservation. It’s good to observe these tendencies, in others and ourselves. We will seek to duck nearby oncoming pain. We will cheat to avoid confrontations, stay in loveless marriages, cry to anyone who is powerless to help us, feel slightly better and ignore our two very real choices—stay and make it work, or leave.

And the online audience just keeps on waiting for a resolution that never comes.